What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
