There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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