I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
