well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
