no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
