Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
