I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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