i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
