I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
