I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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