also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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