I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
