Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
