god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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