your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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