i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
