I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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