Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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