I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
