you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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