I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
