I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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