im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
