My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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