She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
