and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
