I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
