I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
