don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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