Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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