Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
