why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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