my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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