I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
