so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
