You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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