as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
