you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Randomize
