does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
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The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
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We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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