Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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