The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
