I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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