SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
