I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
