You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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