every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
