I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
