I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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