woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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