John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
