If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
