seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
