and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He passed out mid-signature
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Randomize
