But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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