I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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