I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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