he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
cat food counts as protein by the way
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
