You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
